I disappeared--

So. I promised to write shit and then I went away for a while. As per usual.

Let me give you the run down on my life at the moment:

Work, study, workworkwork, study, writewrite, studyworkstudystudy. Insert coffee at every half step.

That's it.

I recently started my Master's in the Fine Arts (from now on referred to as my MFA), my DELTA certification (module one of three), and then I have my job(s).

School is on 'Murica time, DELTA is on UK time, work is on China time.

Basically, I should just be dead.

The first semester of my MFA is coming to a close in a week or so, and I am happy to say the MFA has been AWESOME. I've done well and discovered that lyric poetry is not something that comes natural to me, but the nirat style of poetry fits my aesthetic. I'm set to graduate May 2022!

There's something I've immediately noticed about being back in uni in America... I am not in touch with American culture anymore at all. I found (find) myself kind of in this weird gray area where I don't feel very American-ized anymore and I'm definitely not Chinese-y either. It gives me a lot of room to grow my own opinions on things, but I feel as though I'm not well informed on certain matters either.

For example, everyone in my MFA has chosen their pronouns, which is cool, but totally caught me off guard. I thought it would only be people who have a change in pronoun stating that change, but it seems like stating your pronouns is becoming the norm, like a show of support? It doesn't hurt to do it so I don't mind, I just wasn't prepared for it.

I've also had to come uncomfortably close to my own views on racism.

Living in an entirely homogeneous society for the past four years and counting, I have...seen some fucking shit and have had to look and listen to things and think about things I never thought of before. White people are privileged as fuck, male or female, universally.

Now, with that said, when you are 'other' in a homogeneous society, it's hard to separate a racist encounter from a nationalist encounter. For example: companies will hire me for literally anything just because I am white, the same can not be said for anyone with a darker skin tone. At the same time, older people will put their hands over their mouths sometimes when they see me because I am foreign. Students also don't take me as seriously as a teacher because I am foreign and foreigners are hired here more for prestige rather than for their skills, training, or education.

I've had to kind of... keep that difference of racism versus because I'm a foreigner in mind. A person of color would have (does have) it wayyyy worse than me in all aspects of life, typically around the world. But there was a time (recently) when I was feeling very personally discriminated against and I had to just do some research, watch some videos, and re-evaluate myself and remember that I still have an ass-ton of privilege. 

Where I'm at, there's a term called 'white monkey.' The idea is a white person is super attractive and good for attracting customers to a business, even if the white person has no skills in that area. I think this is what had been bothering me for a while.

A lot of foreigners I know of that come to China are white dudes. And these white dudes come here to fuck and usually have a degree unrelated to their field (or, if they work or have worked for OWEN, they have a nice, freshly printed fake degree) and they go out and get drunk as fuck every night and teach hungover as shit. I've even worked with foreign teachers who dated Chinese women, only to get drunk at bars with coworkers and talk about how they would never marry a Chinese woman.

Then, the foreign dudes (married and unmarried) are all participating in prostitution. Oh, all the comments on snowballing that I have had to endure...

I've gone off topic... basically I was starting to get really fucking angry that I was being lumped into this category of asshole that I wasn't a member of. My students weren't taking me seriously and all the time I was hearing people (usually in western online forums or videos) say 'oh, a foreigner comes to work in China because they can't make it in their own country' or 'foreigners who stay in China longer than two years are just losers unable to hold down a job/get a partner where they're from.' No one was asking about my credentials, my schooling, my certifications, my teaching method, instead it was all about whether or not I was pretty by Chinese standards.

I was trying to explain this in one of my MFA classes when we talked about race and I wound up re-evaluating things and noticing that no matter how challenging I think things are on my end, if I was a person of color, I wouldn't even have the job that I have.

It was an uncomfortable learning process. Made me feel like I hadn't been paying enough attention to where I came from, and it also still has me re-evaluating if I would want to ever return to America. But that's a different topic.

Now, onto DELTA module one.

Someone please put me out of my misery.

When people said the exam part of DELTA (module one) was difficult, I was like 'whateverrrrr.' Now, I'm on team 'FUCK THIS SHIT.' They recommend fifteen+ hours of study every week for DELTA module one (of fucking three), and that was stressing me ouuuuuuut. It really isn't a surprise that DELTA is considered the equivalent of an ESL Masters.

I hit the study game HARD at first. And then I failed the mock exam by like four points a few weeks into training after I thought I had straight fucking killed that shit.

Demoralization hit like me like I begged for it.

I stopped studying for a bit... I still did the exam practice, but I focused more on other things. And now I'm back to it because... the exam is June 2nd. And again in December when I inevitably fail the June 2nd exam (it's not a pity party, it's the truth, I'mma take the June 2nd exam like a hardcore mock to prepare me to pass in December).

And then there's work...

My English majors? Amazing- may they only ever achieve the best things in life.

My postgrads? HOW. DID. YOU. GET. HERE. Seriously, whywhywhywhy have engineering and AI postgrads take an English course when they hate English? I was literally told by a Chinese friend that I went to for advice to just... stop trying with them because it makes me look foolish? Apparently I'm just supposed to let them coast through because it's not their major and by enforcing rules I'm making... myself look bad? Idk. It has been a nightmare.

I had to assign seats and take away phones.
From people in their twenties.

One lady even does this thing where the second I turn my back she just starts talking in Chinese immediately... no matter what is going on. No matter how often I try to say we're in class, English please, etc..

She even called me over the other day, looked me up and down, asked if I had kids (said no, and the eyes on this lady BULGED). Then called me back over later to ask why not.

Explained her behavior to my husband who told me that it was a very local way of saying she thinks I'm fat. Apparently that line of questioning coupled with her behavior in class is considered extremely disrespectful and not something she would have done with a Chinese teacher. Siiiiiiiigh.

All this to say, I ain't had time for this blog.

But that's ok. Because I'm coming back. But with a DELTA focus for a bit, #sorrynotsorry. (Do people still hashtag? idek anymore)

Anyway, this blog is more for me and my frustrations than anything else. So thanks for reading.

I gotta study now.